


Childhood nerds

by AutisticFitz



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism, Autistic Jemma Simmons, Autistic Leo Fitz, Childhood Friends, Children, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Monkeys, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28244355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticFitz/pseuds/AutisticFitz
Summary: 10 year old Leopold Fitz moves into a new house in England. He quickly notices the girl living next door, Jemma Simmons. They bond over their mutual love of science, and eventually become friends and their relationship evolves as we follow them through years of their lives.
Relationships: Leo Fitz & Jemma Simmons, Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW mention of abuse (fuck Alistair Fitz)

It was a rainy november sunday afternoon. Fitz was bored out of his mind. He had read every science book in his bedroom, and his mother was using the only computer available in the house. Fitz sat on the ledge under the window, observing the drops falling on the glass and listening to the sound it made. He was so captivated that it took him a few minutes to notice, in the garden across from his bedroom, a girl, about his age, watching him from a treehouse. Fitz was flustered and quickly closed the blinds.

Fitz had only moved into this house a week ago. After his father left, his mother wanted to move, being in their house was too painful, for her and for Fitz. They moved to a small town in England. Fitz wasn’t adjusted yet, but he wasn’t adjusted in his previous town before.

Fitz discreetly peaked between the blind to see if the girl was still there. She seemed to be gone.

Fitz didn’t leave his bedroom until it was dinner time. When his mom called him, he went down the stairs to the kitchen.

“Hey sweetie,” his mom said, gently stroking his hair.

Fitz flinched at the touch and his mom quickly removed her hands.

“Sorry. I forgot,” she told him sincerely.

Fitz started filling his plate, preparing to go back to his bedroom.

“How was your day?” She asked, trying to get Fitz to stay a little bit longer.

“I watched the rain,” he told her. “And, uh, there was a girl. Next door.”

“You’ve talked to her?” His mom asked, hoping Fitz was finally making a friend.

Fitz shook his head and went back to his bedroom.

His mother sighed and ate dinner alone as usual. She wanted to connect with her son, but she didn’t know how to.

Fitz didn’t think about the girl until later that week on a wednesday evening. FItz was trying to sleep, but there was a light coming from outside. He looked through the window and found the source of the light. In the treehouse, there was the girl again. She had a telescope pointing outside the window, and she pointed a light on a book about astronomy. Fitz watched her for a while, unsure what to do to get her to turn off her light. The girl finally peaked up from her book and noticed Fitz watching. Immediately, she turned off her light.

This happened a few times more, they could occasionally see each other through the window, usually a science book in hand. Eventually, they stopped hiding when they noticed each other.

Even though Fitz had never talked to the girl, he started appreciating her company. When he went to the library, he tried to find the books the girl had been reading, and he would sometimes read them. They were often about biology, which wasn't his favourite topic, but when they had parts about monkeys, then Fitz would read those parts.

This lasted for a couple of months, until one saturday afternoon when the doorbell rang, and Fitz’s mother called him. They never had visitors, and even less visitors his mother would want Fitz to see. Fitz was nervous, he thought something was wrong, or he did something wrong. He flapped his hands in front of his chest and walked in circles for a minute before coming downstairs.

He froze in place in the hallway when he saw who it was. His neighbor was standing there, holding hands with people who were probably her parents.

Fitz nervously walked to the front door.

“Hey sweetie,” Fitz’s mom told him. “I invited our neighbors over for tea, why don’t you show Jemma your room?” She asked him.

Fitz nodded and walked to Jemma.

“I’m Fitz,” he told her, awkwardly holding out his hand to shake hers.

“I’m Jemma,” she answered, shaking his hand.

“My bedroom is, uuuh, it’s upstairs. You can follow me.” He told her.

The kids walked upstairs together. Fitz sat on his bed, and Jemma sat on his desk’s chair. The two kids sat in silence, having no idea what to say. It was weird to see Jemma up close, Fitz had only seen her from metres away; Fitz stared at his hands, twisting his fingers together, while Jemma had her hands folded on her lap, staring at the floor. They both sat in an awkward silence for half an hour until Fitz found the courage to speak up.

“You like astronomy,” Fitz stated.

Jemma nodded.

“I know the names of all the constellations,” she told him.

“Did you now that at the center of the milky way there’s a black hole with a mass estimated at around 4.1 million solar masses?”

“Of course. Did you know the main theory of the formation of the moon is that it used to be a part of earth that got separated when the earth collided with a protoplanet called Theia?”

“I didn’t know the protoplanet was called Theia,” Fitz admitted, feeling slightly shameful.

The kids fell back into silence until Jemma’s parents called her to leave. Fitz felt sad that Jemma had to go. They hadn’t talked much because Fitz had been too shy, but Jemma was really smart and it impressed him. Plus, he rarely met people who would listen to him infodump.

“Do you think, uh, maybe you can come over again?” He asked her shyly as she was on her way to leave the bedroom.

“I’d love to, Fitz,” she told him, grinning.

Fitz smiled back at her, and as soon as she left the room he started jumping and flapping.

As agreed, Fitz and Simmons saw each other again. The second time, it was in Fitz’s bedroom again, and they exchanged facts about chemistry. The second time, it was in Jemma’s bedroom, Fitz talked about monkeys and Jemma about snakes. This went on for weeks, at first they only saw each other every saturday, but soon they started seeing each other after school, almost every day. Fitz still felt extremely nervous in Jemma’s presence, but the more they saw each other, the easier it got to talk to her.

Fitz and Jemma’s parents were glad the kids made friends, but they were confused by their friendship. When they saw each other, they didn’t play or talked about themselves, they would only talk about science. It very much didn’t look like the kind of friendship they expected from 10 years old.

Christmas quickly came around the corner, but neither Fitz or his mom felt the holiday spirit. Most of their christmas had been spent with Fitz’s mom side of the family, and while they got along well, the last ten christmas had been spent pretending they were a happy family, terrified of Fitz’s father. Fitz and his mother didn’t talk about it, but they both knew they wouldn’t be celebrating christmas this year. Maybe someday they would, but Alistair Fitz had only left their lives a few months ago, it just felt too early.

Fitz spent Christmas night in his bedroom, tinkering with some electronics he got out of the cellar, trying not to think about his father too much. He stayed awake until late, unwilling to let his mind wander as he fell asleep.

Around midnight, he heard a voice coming from his window. He walked from his workspace to his window and opened it. He looked down, and he was Jemma standing there, in a big coat.

“Fitz, come down,” she whispered loudly.

Fitz frowned.

“why?” He asked.

“The sky is clear. Mom and dad said I could invite you over to watch the sky! I’m allowed to stay up late tonight” She said enthusiastically.

Fitz swallowed nervously. This was new, he hadn’t done that with Jemma before. Or with anyone, actually.

“Okay,” He told her.

Quickly but quietly as to not wake his mother, he put on his shoes, his coat, his gloves, his hat and his scarf.

Jemma was waiting for him in front of the door.

“Let’s go,” she told him, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards her garden.

Fitz blushed when Jemma grabbed his hand, and he used his scarf to cover his cheeks so she wouldn’t notice.

She brought him in front of his treehouse, and started climbing the hanging ladder. Once she was up, Fitz followed her. Fitz was a bit scared, he lacked gross motor skills. He started climbing, but he was struggling to get his feet in the right places. Jemma noticed, so she held out her hand so she could help Fitz up. Together they finally managed to get him in the treehouse.

“Sorry,” Fitz said shyly.

“What are you sorry for?” Jemma asked him.

“You saw, I- uh, I needed help to get up,” he told her.

“It’s okay Fitz, everyone needs help sometimes,” she told him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Fitz nodded and sat down. Jemma reached to the roop to open a large trapdoor, so that they could see the sky.

“We could make this an electronic trapdoor. We could even make the whole roof open itself,” Fitz suggested.

“That’s a great idea Fitz,” Jemma told him, smiling at him.

Fitz smiled back. Neither of the kids knew at the time, but this was only the first of a long series of projects they would carry out together.

Jemma sat down next to Fitz and looked up at the sky.

“Look there,” Jemma said, pointing in the sky. “There’s aries,” she told him.

Jemma grabbed a book from a pile of books about astronomy.

“Here,” she said, opening the book at the page that showed what aries looked like.

Fitz looked at the picture then at the sky for a few seconds.

“I can see it,’ he told Jemma.

“There, the bright red dot, it’s Mars.”

This went on for a while, Jemma would show Fitz all the stars and the planets they could see. When Jemma listed everything she could, the kids sat in silence. It wasn’t like the awkward silences they used to have. This was a warm, comfortable silence.

Then Fitz sneezed.

“Oh no, you’re cold,” Jemma said, slightly panicked. “Wait here,” she said.

Before Fitz could say anything, the girl had left the treehouse and was running toward her house. She came back five minutes later, holding a large blanket.

“Here,” she said, sitting next to Fitz, wrapping the blanket around the two of them, huddling close to him.

“We produce more heat together than alone,” Jemma explained.

Fitz heard her, but he didn’t process what she said, his brain froze the second she sat against him.

“Th-Thank you,” Fitz said shyly.

“It’s nothing,” Jemma said, smiling at him.

Jemma adjusted her position, and accidentally brushed her hand against Fitz. Fitz shivered

“Jemma, your hands are freezing,” Fitz told her.

Jemma frowned and touched her face with her hands.

“You’re right,” Jemma told him.

Fitz grabbed Jemma’s hands and wrapped them with his to warm them, then Jemma smiled and kissed Fitz’s cheek. Fitz smiled and rested his head on Jemma’s shoulder.

They cuddled in silence for a while until Jemma spoke up.

“What happened with your dad?” Jemma asked.

At the question, Fitz let go of Jemma’s hands and wrapped his arms around his legs.

“How do you know something happened?” He asked.

“I heard my parents mention him,” Jemma explained.

Fitz thought for a minute about how much he wanted to say.

“He left,” Fitz said.

Jemma quickly went to wrap her arms around him.

‘I’m sorry Fitz,” she whispered.

Fitz didn’t react for a few seconds, he was processing what was happening. When he finally did, it hit him like a brick wall. It was the first time he told someone about this, he had barely even talked about it with his mom. Someone else knowing what happened somehow made it feel more real.

Fitz broke into tears and hid his face in Jemma’s shoulder, curling up against her.

Jemma adjusted the blanket around them and gently stroked his back.

Before they knew it, the two kids were asleep, cuddled up together in the treehouse.

This was the night when Fitz stopped being uncomfortable around Jemma and became perfectly at ease. After this, the two kids became inseparable.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fitz spends his summer away. The separation is hard on Fitz-Simmons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to make this multi chapter and who knows maybe I'll finish (I promise I'll try, I already have it planned out)  
> As usual my work isn't proofread because I hate doing it  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> Comments are always appreciated
> 
> TW ABA like parenting

When the summer came, Fitz and Jemma knew that it meant spending a few weeks apart. They hadn't been friends for a long time, but they already felt like an integral part of each other's lives.

Fitz was going to Scotland to see his family, and Jemma was staying in England. In that short period of time, Fitz had became a part of Jemma's daily life, and she was terrified of losing that for a few weeks. It took her a while to understand it, and it took her even longer to put words on it.

When Fitz came to sleep over at her house the night before leaving, neither of the kids could fall asleep.

Jemma couldn't stop thinking about being away for a few weeks. She tried to do what her father taught him, she tried locking her bad thoughts away in her music box, which she kept staring at.

Fitz, who was sleeping on a mattress on the floor next to Jemma's bed, couldn't help but notice.

"Jemma," he whispered, sitting up on his mattress.

"Yes Fitz?" Jemma asked, turning on her side to face Fitz.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Of course, why would you ask?"

"You've been staring at your desk for an hour, and you're not sleeping. You usually have a very strict sleep schedule," he told her.

"Well you're not sleeping either."

"Yeah but I never sleep. You do."

Jemma sighed and curled up under her blanket.

"It's nothing," Jemma lied.

Fitz stared at her for a few seconds in thought.

"I'm gonna miss you," he finally said. "I don't want to spend a month without you."

As often, it felt as if Fitz could read her mind.

"Fitz. I'd rather not talk about it," she said.

Fitz sighed.

"All right."

He stood up and moved to sit on Jemma's bed.

"I'm gonna do the talking then," he said.

Jemma was a bit surprised and sat up on her bed to leave Fitz more room.

"I don't want to spend a month without talking to you. We both, uh, like organised things. So maybe we can both set up a Skype account, and every day at 4PM we call each other?" Fitz suggested.

That was actually a good suggestion. Plus with Skype they’d also be able to message each other during the day, she could still tell him her science ideas even if he was away.

Jemma hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you Fitz," Jemma said.

Fitz smiled and went back to his bed. Jemma was finally able to fall asleep after this discussion.

  
  
  


When the morning came, it was time to leave. The kids had a hard time leaving each other; Jemma stayed with Fitz to help him load the car, and until the car drove away. When Fitz arrived, they had their first scheduled video call with Jemma to make sure it was working. The computer at Fitz’s grandparent’s house was in the middle of the living room, so with his mom and both his grandparents, it didn’t give them much privacy. Still, they were happy to have a way to talk to each other.

Fitz didn’t go out much, and neither did Jemma, so they spent most of their days chatting together. They would text about science, future projects, and their families trying to get them to make friends. Every day at the same time, they could video call each other and stay until dinner. Jemma would show Fitz her latest science experiments, and Fitz would show her what he managed to build with whatever he could get his hands on, which was mainly broken junk his grandparents had kept.

About three weeks into it, Jemma was well settled in her new routine. In the morning she would text Fitz before going to his garage where they had set up their science equipment- which was mainly made of salvaged stuff and the few science kits their parents got them- then she would water the plant at their house and she would go home for lunch, then spent a good part of her afternoon talking to Fitz and reading up on biology, astronomy and chemistry.

On Friday the 22nd of July at 4PM, Jemma was as usual sitting in front of her computer. She called Fitz, and he didn’t answer.

**16:01** **_Jemma Simmons_** : Fitz

**16:05** **_Jemma Simmons_** _:_ Please answer

**16:06** **_Jemma Simmons_** : Fitz are you okay?

**16:07** **_Jemma Simmons_** : Fitz

**16:14** **_Jemma Simmons_** : Fitz

At that point, Jemma was full on freaking out. All of the worst scenarios were going to her mind, all the ways he could have been injured or died, from a car accident to a meteor crash, or maybe it was that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore. She tried telling herself that maybe Fitz just forgot or had a power outage, but the bad scenarios were overwhelming. That plus the change disruption of her daily routine was too much for her to handle

She was in her living room sitting in front of the computer, rubbing her face with her hands, whimpering. Her father was sitting on the couch, so he heard her and walked to her.

"Hey, Jemma, sweetie, what's going on?" He asked, grabbing both of her hands and holding them down on her thighs.

"Fitz, it's Fitz," Jemma said, breathing harshly.

She pulled on her hands, she needed to touch her face, she needed quiet, she needed Fitz. Her father tightened his grip on her hands to prevent her from moving.

"Jemma, remember what we've talked about," he said gently.

Jemma nodded and took a deep breath. She focused hard on staying still, and while she was boiling on the inside, she stayed still.

"Dad I'd like to go to my room please," she asked, her tone calm.

"Of course sweetie," he said, kissing her forehead.

Jemma immediately got up and walked to her bedroom at a fast pace.

She sat on her bed, put her hands on her thighs, trying to do what her father taught him. He looked at the music box on her table. She had to lock all her troubles in away.

It didn't work. Jemma broke down crying, rubbing her hands on her face, letting out small whimpers. There was so much going on inside of her, she couldn't process any of it.

After that everything was kind of a blur, she wasn't sure how much time went by when her door opened. She was curled up on her bed, her eyes closed, almost asleep.

"Hey honey, you got a message on the computer," she heard her mother said.

Jemma immediately snapped awake and ran to the living room to check on the computer.

  
  


**Leopold Fitz** _19:23_ : I'm sorry Jemma, I'm okay.

**Jemma Simmons** _19:25_ : What happened? Are you hurt?

**Leopold Fitz** _ 19:26  _ : It's nothing, don't worry about it. I'm okay now.

**Leopold Fitz** _ 19:26  _ : There was a change of plan and I'm coming home tomorrow

**Jemma Simmons** _19:27_ : Good

**Jemma Simmons** _19:27_ : Are you sure that you're okay?

**Leopold Fitz** _19:28_ : Yes, don't worry

**Leopold Fitz** _19:29_ : I've missed you too

**Jemma Simmons** _19:36_ : I've missed you too

The next day, Jemma spent all her time stuck to the window, waiting for Fitz's mom's car to roll up the street. She would look up every time she heard a car sound, hoping it was finally him.

She she finally saw the car, she ran outside and followed the car until it was parked to wait in front of Fitz's door. As soon as he stepped outside, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Fitz smiled softly and wrapped his hands around Jemma's waist.

"Are you okay Fitz?" She asked, taking a step back to look into Fitz's eyes, her hands still on his shoulders.

"I told you I'm fine, stop worrying," he said, even though his face told another story.

He was a bit pale, he looked tired and a bit dazed.

Jemma could see he wasn't fine, but obviously he wasn't going to tell her.

She walked to Fitz's mom who was grabbing the bags from the trunk.

"Can Fitz come over please?" She asked.

"Of course, I'll call if I need Leo back" she said, smiling warmly at Jemma.

She also looked a bit tired, but still in better shape than Fitz.

Jemma walked back to Fitz and grabbed his hand.

"Come on Fitz," she said, leading him inside her house.

Fitz was a bit confused about where Jemma was taking him, but he followed her anyway. 

She led him to her bedroom and sat down on her bed, patting the spot next to her.

"I can see that you're not fine, and you won't tell me why. But what I do know is that hugs release oxytocin which has a positive effect on stress and sadness. So, even if you won't tell me what's wrong, I can still help you," she explained to him.

Fitz stared at her for a few seconds before sitting next to her on the bed. He scooted close to her and rested his head on her shoulder. Jemma immediately wrapped her arms around him and sighed. Fitz closed his eyes, nestled against Jemma. He put his hands around her, and Jemma could feel him holding tightly. She heard a couple of sobs. She didn't know why he was crying, so she did the only thing she could and held him tighter.

They stayed like that for a few minutes until Fitz's sobs quieted down.

"Hey Simmons," Fitz said quietly.

"Yes Fitz?" She asked.

"You said you wanted a centrifuge right? I think I can make one," he replied.

Jemma hadn't been around Fitz for that long, but still long enough to know science was how they communicated. It was the very thing that made them friends in the first place.

"Good. I'll need that," she said, smiling softly. "I'll need that too," Fitz replied.

Jemma knew it meant more than that. Jemma knew she needed him just like he needed her. And lucky for them both, neither wanted to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what happened to Fitz on his trip to Scotland, and he gets to see monkeys for his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide, child abuse for the first part of the chapter.
> 
> The second part of the chapter is fluff  
> This is the last chapter where Fitz-Simmons are kids, in the next one they will be teenagers, so enjoy.

Fitz has been back for about a month now. He still hasn't told Jemma what had happened while he was away, and he wasn't sure he wanted her to known. He didn't want her to think he was weak. Because, in Fitz's mind, it was what he was.

Fitz felt so stupid for what had happened. He had gone to his paternal grandparents's house in Scotland with his mom to pick up some of his stuff he left behind, some clothes from when he stayed overnights and a few books. They hadn't planned on staying long, they hadn't really talked since Alistair left. Fitz didn't know everything that had happened, his mom didn't tell him all the details, but Fitz did know that her mother didn't like her ex step-parents

Fitz had been coming to the living room from the guest room where his stuff were stored when he overheard a discussion between her mom and his grandparents.

"... If there wasn't something seriously wrong with the boy," he heard his grandmother say.

"There's nothing wrong with Leo," his mother answered.

"If that were true Alistair wouldn't have left and we wouldn't be having this discussion," his grandfather said.

"No normal kids behaves like this. He has no friends, sometimes he just stops talking, and he has this weird obsession with monkey. Didn't a psychiatrist even said his brain was all wrong?" His grandmother said.

"That's it, we're leaving," his mother said, standing up.

As soon as Fitz had heard that, he rushed back to the bedroom to finish packing his stuff. Right after, his mother had knocked on the door to take him home. Fitz didn't say anything and pretended he hadn't heard the discussion.

During all the car ride home, Fitz replayed the conversation in his mind. There was something wrong with him. Along came the voice of his father. Maybe his grandparents were right, maybe his father left because there was something wrong with him.

Fitz wasn't able to get the thought out of his mind.

That night, he hadn't been able to sleep. He had laid in his bed restlessly, the voices of his father and grandparents echoing in his mind. There was something wrong with him. Fitz wanted to disappear. He wanted to have never existed. Why exist if he was worthless and stupid and wrong? He hated himself.

He stood from the couch where he was sleeping at his maternal grandparents' house and quietly walked to the guestroom where his mom was sleeping. He looked through her bag to find the bottle of sleeping pills. His mother had them after a doctor recommended them for Fitz's insomnia. He went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and one pill by one, he emptied the bottle.

Fitz hadn't taken into consideration at the time that most sleeping pills couldn't kill you with an overdose.

All Fitz got for that was a lot of sleep and a night at the hospital.

The doctors had suggested that Fitz should stay at the psychiatric ward, but his mom thought it would be best if he was home, in a familiar environment.

They had come home right after, and Fitz spent the rest of his summer with Jemma. His mother got Fitz to see a psychiatrist, but Fitz struggled to communicate with him. He would often misinterpret what he would say, or his body language, which Fitz found extremely frustrating.

~~~

Somehow, despite this, it was still the best summer of Fitz's life. Until then, his summers had been mainly being bullied by other kids at child care, or being home with his father, which was often worst. That summer, he had been spending time with Jemma, and his mother didn't put him in child care because she realised how bad it was for him. Fitz's mom didn't want to leave him alone too long after what had happened, and while she was comforted by the thought of Jemma being with Fitz, she still worked from home as much as she could.

It had been amazing. Fitz and Simmons would spend their days in the garage working on science projects, Fitz built the centrifuge as he told Jemma he would, and their parents even bought them some new science equipment.

Of course, there were bad times too. Fitz couldn't sleep most nights, he would just lppay in bed overwhelmed with anxiety. He didn't know what he was anxious about, he just constantly was anxious. When he did sleep, he usually woke up because of nightmares. The only nights he would sleep well was when he was with Jemma, who noticed and made it a point to spend more nights with him than without. There were also days where Fitz struggled to get out of bed.

Eventually, the summer had to come to an end, but not before Fitz's birthday. Fitz usually spent his birthday at his mother's parent's house, they would eat his favourite snack and they would get him a few presents.

But this year, it was different. This year, Fitz has a friend to spend his birthday with. He had told his mom he wanted to spend his birthday with Jemma, and she told him she had a perfect idea.

She hasn't told Fitz what the idea was, she wanted to keep it a surprise. She had told Jemma at Fitz's request, she knew him and she'd know how to prepare him for the event.

A few days before his birthday, Jemma explained that they would be outside a lot, so he needed to wear shorts, a short sleeved T-Shirt and walking shoes. She gave him some general informations about what they were doing, so he would be able to prepare mentally for it.

On the morning of Fitz's birthday, Jemma packed a bag with everything she or Fitz could need. She packed extra sunscreen in case Fitz's mom didn't bring enough, books for the car ride- Fitz got sick when reading in cars, but Jemma didn't- a couple of pillows if they fell asleep on the way back, snacks, a first aid kid, water, and a lot more stuff in case of emergency. Jemma always was too prepared.

Fitz was sitting on Jemma's bed while she was finishing, nervously pulling on his fingers.

"We'll also need this in case we get stung by a wasp," Jemma said before turning to Fitz and noticing he was nervous.

She walked to him and put a hand on his knee.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

Fitz nodded and stared down at Jemma's hand.

"I'm fine. I just don't know where we're going," he answered.

"I promise you you'll love it," Jemma said reassuringly at him.

Jemma finished packing the bag and she and Fitz headed downstairs, to meet Fitz's mom at the car.

"You're ready?" She asked them, unlocking the car. "Fitz, did you remember to eat breakfast?"

Fitz would often be too distracted to remember to eat breakfast. Today was no exception.

"Uuuh… maybe? No," he admitted.

"It's fine, I packed snacks, you can eat in the car," Jemma said.

This girl was amazing, Fitz thought.

"Thanks Jemma," Fitz said, climbing in the car.

Once everyone was settled in the car, Fitz's mom started driving.

The ride was about an hour and a half, which Fitz thought was a look way to drive for a birthday, but Jemma insisted it was worth it.

On the way there, they discussed their favourite cake flavours, the most efficient way to make homemade explosives- Fitz's mom made sure they didn't want to try-, Jemma spent at least half an hour talking about Doctor Who, they discussed how to set up a radio relay to be able to communicate on long distances through an encrypted channel, and other more hypothetical science projects.

When they finally arrived, Fitz's mom parked on a parking lot. Fitz put on his sunglasses and looked around trying to identify where they were going, but there seemed to be mostly woods around them.

Jemma jumped out of the car excitedly, grabbing her and Fitz's bag. There were two other large bags in the trunk, but they stayed in the car, so Fitz assumed they would serve a later function.

"Come on Fitz," Jemma said, grabbing Fitz's hand and pulling him outside the parking lot.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Fitz said, slightly flustered by Jemma holding his hand.

They quickly arrived at the gate, and Fitz read the sign.

"Monkey forest," he read out loud.

"Monkeys," Fitz whispered in awe.

Fitz was grinning staring at the gate until Jemma brought him to the entrance.

Fitz was so excited he didn't know how to express it.

When they got inside the forest, Fitz saw monkeys, everywhere. So many monkeys.

"Jemma," Fitz said, looking everywhere around him.

"I know," Jemma answered, grinning.

The kids, followed by Fitz's mom, started walking along the road that went through the forest.

All the monkeys in the forest were Barbary macaques, or Macaca Sylvanus, so Fitz explained in great length the specific characteristics of this monkey, it's place in the monkey's phylogenetic tree and how it had been established. Jemma loved biology, so she could complete with her knowledge, which was wider than just monkeys.

Fitz's mom eventually sat down and let the kids explore on their own.

They went to see the monkey's feeding times, and Fitz tried to talk to the feeder but ended up being too shy to talk to her.

After a couple of hours, the kids started getting hungry, so the kids and Fitz's mom headed to the parking lot to get the lunch before heading to the picnic area, which was separated from the forest for obvious reasons.

In addition to their lunch, Fitz noticed his mom grabbing a second large bag.

"What's the second bag for?" He asked as they walked away from the cat.

"It's a surprise, Fitz," she said.

Fitz frowned for a second before it hit him.

"Oh! Right. Yeah."

Jemma chuckled when he saw Fitz's light up in understanding.

He didn't want to ask for comfirmation that it was his birthday presents in case he was wrong, it would be embarrassing. However, he was excited at the prospect of getting a present from a friend, especially when the friend was Jemma.

They walked to a picnic table in the lunch area and they unpacked the food, putting the other bag down.

They all sat down, Fitz next to Jemma and his mom across the table. Fitz was a bit tired after all the excitement, so Jemma and his mom did most of the talking while the group ate.

After everyone was done with their food, Fitz's mom grabbed a large heavy box from the bag.

"Happy birthday Leo," she said, putting down the box on the table.

As she did that, Fitz was nervously toying with the hem of his t-shirt. Receiving a present was stressful, he had to prepare to pretend he liked it even if he didn't.

"Thanks," he said as he started unwrapping the gift.

When he saw what was inside, he immediately started grinning. It was a welder, with child size protective equipment.

"Welder!" He exclaimed happily. "Jemma, welder!"

"Yes, I can see that Fitz," Jemma chuckled.

Fitz wanted to start unpacking everything, but his mom told him he'd better wait until they got home. He had to agree that it would be more inconvenient to carry once it was unpacked, but he was just so excited to use it.

"Now my present," Jemma said.

Fitz could see she was a bit anxious about her present, he wasn't sure why. He tilted his head slightly as he watched her get his present from inside the bag.

"I noticed you didn't sleep a lot, so I thought this might help you sleep. Maybe it won't. But you might like it, I think," Jemma rambled as she pulled out a big stuffed monkey from the bag.

She handed it to Fitz who stared at it before running his hand over the soft fabric. It was a perfect present. He was used to people giving him presents related to science, and Fitz loved those, he really did. But Jemma saw beyond that, she saw a part of Fitz that wasn't usually valued by the people around him.

He looked at Jemma and grinned. He felt a bit too overwhelmed to speak, so instead he walked to Jemma, the monkey under his arm and hugged her with his other arm.

She smiled in his shoulder and hugged him back with both her arms.

"I'm glad you like it," Jemma whispered, squeezing him tighter.

Fitz's mom could see he was tired from all the emotion, so after they finished hugging, she asked him if he wanted to go home. Fitz was hesitant at first, he wanted to spend more time with the monkeys, but the thought of going back did seem overwhelming. He nodded, and the three of them walked together back to the car.

Fitz quickly fell asleep on the ride home, cuddled up with his stuffed monkey. Maybe it was the monkey itself, or maybe it was the feeling of Jemma's friendship he got from it, but he did sleep better with it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids are all grown up. Well, a bit more grown up. The 15 year olds prepare their college applications, and it doesn't go smoothly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay we're finally talking about autism.  
> Also I actually spent time editing, I'm getting better at reading what I wrote.
> 
> TW mention of parental abuse, internalised ableism

The next few years went by rather smoothly for the kids. They didn't really make friends besides each other at school, people didn't really like Fitz, and Jemma didn't really like people. She had caught the attention of some boys, but she found all of them extremely boring.

Jemma was a straight A student, she followed a strict studying schedule, she slept and ate at regular times, and she always made sure every aspect of her daily life was planned out.

Fitz's approach to studying was more chaotic. He did his best to follow Jemma's study schedule, but studying anything besides science was painfully boring to him, and getting any task started was a struggle for him. Every year he would try to do better, and every year he would give up after a few weeks of failing. He didn't feel the need to anyway, he got perfect grades in all science subjects, and, well, he passed other classes.

Of course, high school science was barely a challenge to them, so they had their side projects. They frequently caught the attention of science papers, and their work was published on a few occasions. They had their drones that would help gather data from hostile environments, their chemical filtration system that would get rid of midco particles of plastic in water, and a few other projects.

Thanks to their impressive skills at a young age, they had impressed the science community, so they had received scholarship offers. They were particularly proud of being offered a Stark scholarship, which was by far the better one.

Neither teens felt like waiting until they were 18 to go to university, so they decided that at 14 they would take the A levels and the ACTs, so they could study either in the UK and the US.

They studied together for those exams, and both finished with excellent grades, Jemma having better ones.

Of course, in addition to that, they still needed to work on their college applications..

Jemma, unsurprisingly, had started working on her applications a year in advance and had deadlines set at every step of the process. They had both established a list of universities that would be the best for them, and had agreed that MIT would be the best place for them to go together.

So, both 15 year olds spent a considerable amount of time filling out college applications. However, the process turned out to be more a challenge than Fitz expected.

The deadline they had set to finish writing their personal essays was October 1st, so a few months before the application deadline. To Fitz, the task was dreadful. He was terrified that when he would start, he would fail, and when he sometimes managed to get himself in front of his computer to write, he would always accidentally end up googling random facts, like the history of the classification of monkeys, or the formulas that described the Hawking radiations. He pushed it back as much as he could, until November 31 when he really didn't have a choice but to write it.

So, he put himself to work. He sat down in front of his computer with no distractions and a few pages on how to write a college application opened in his browser. In half an hour, he wrote a sentence. It wasn’t even a good sentence. He erased it and started over. Why did all his words sound so bad? It had to be perfect.

Fitz was trying, he was trying the best he could, but still he couldn't do it. The more time went by, the more panic settled. The thought that he couldn't do it was haunting him. As much as he didn't want to think about his father any more, he realised the man might have been right all along. If Fitz couldn’t do that, maybe he was stupid. Just the fact that he didn’t write until the last possible time proved that he was stupid. All night, he sat in front of his computer, desperate to get his essay done.

Eventually, his morning alarm rang, to remind him of his failure.

"No, no, no," he muttered to himself, hitting his head with his fists.

"Nooo," he repeated, as if it made any difference.

He was letting Jemma down. He was letting his mother down. His father was right, he was stupid. Not only was he unable to write his essay, but it was his fault for constantly pushing the task back to tomorrow. Maybe deep down he knew all along he couldn't do it. He closed his eyes and gripped his arm tightly in his hands, hard enough for it to hurt. He was grateful today was a Saturday, that meant he could stay in his room and put off telling Jemma he had let her down.

He went to his bed, curled up under his blanket, and pretended he didn't exist anymore, because he didn't know what else to do. He wasn't sure at what point he started crying, but he could feel his cheeks and eyes were wet. Everything would be fine if Fitz didn’t exist.

"Fitz," he heard a gentle voice say, maybe an hour, maybe ten later.

"Fitz, your mom told me you haven't left your room all day," he heard Jemma say concern in her voice.

So it was ten hours. Fitz let out a groan and curled up even more, clinging to his blanket as if it would protect him from the consequences of his actions.

"I'm coming in, Fitz. I just hope you're not naked," she said slightly jokingly before opening the door.

Of course it wasn't the first time Jemma had found Fitz like this. Fitz would react the same way after a failed science experiment, or really after any sort of mistake. Jemma knew he put too high standards on himself.

"Hey Fitz," she said softly, closing the door behind her and coming to sit at the end of Fitz's bed.

Fitz didn't say anything or didn't move, maybe if he didn't she would go away and forget he ever existed and move on from his worthless self. Of course, she didn't. She waited a few minutes, and when Fitz didn't move, she stood up.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," she said before walking downstairs.

A few minutes later, the door opened and a familiar scent filled the air. A prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwich with just a hint of pesto aioli. Fitz stuck his head outside of the blanket and stared at Jemma who was holding the sandwich. Jemma chuckled slightly and handed him the sandwich. Fitz hadn't realised until then how hungry he was. He was also thirsty, and he needed to pee. Though, the sandwich came first. The sandwich was one of the only foods Fitz could eat when his senses were hurting, everything about it was pleasant and familiar..

He sat up on the bed and took the sandwich which he slowly started eating.

Jemma waited, sitting next to him, until he was done with the sandwich.

"Feeling better?" Jemma asked, handing him a paper towel.

Fitz wiped his hands and his mouth and nodded. Sometimes, fulfilling a basic need really helped getting out of a funk, at least for some time.

"Can you speak?" Jemma asked.

She knew that when Fitz was tired or overwhelmed, he struggled to speak, and at that moment he seemed to be both.

Fitz opened his mouth, a few tangled up syllables came out of his mouth and he then shook his head. Fitz crossed his legs on the bed and looked down. He knew Jemma didn't judge him for his inability to speak, but he did. In addition to that, he still hasn't told Jemma what was going on, and she might not be mad at him yet, but there was no way she wouldn't be after he told her what he did, or rather didn’t do.

Fitz started nervously flapping his hands in front of his chest, and Jemma immediately put a hand on his shoulder, a touch she knew Fitz found comforting.

"Hey, Fitz, whatever's going on, we'll figure it out, okay?" She said softly.

Fitz took a few deep breaths and put a hand over Jemma's.

"Now, first things first, are you thirsty? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Take a shower?" Jemma asked.

Fitz remembered that he indeed needed to pee and water. Fitz put his hand flat of his throat and slid it down twice to say water in british sign language.

"Alright, I'm gonna go get you a glass of water," she said as she stood up.

Fitz stood up right after and tapped her shoulder so Jemma would turn around. He then put his hand on his chin and moved it forward to say thank you.

"Of course Fitz," she said, smiling affectionately at him.

Fitz went to the bathroom and both teens came back to the bedroom, Fitz's bladder empty and Jemma holding a glass of water. Fitz gladly took the glass and drank it in one go before putting it down on his desk.

Fitz was starting to feel a bit better, and he could feel his speech slowly coming back to him.

"I'm sorry," he said, staring at the floor and fidgeting with his fingers.

"What are you sorry about?" Jemma asked, confused.

Fitz was sorry for a lot of things, including how much he needed Jemma, but at the moment mainly about failing to complete his college application before the deadline they had agreed on.

Fitz sat down on the bed and Jemma sat next to him, frowning as she was worried.

"I know we said we had to finish our essays for college applications for today, but, um, I didn't finish. I actually uh… I barely started. I tried, but I just… I couldn't. I'm sorry," he said staring at his lap as he fidgeted with his fingers.

At Fitz's words, Jemma felt panic rising immediately. They had a planning, a planning that was there to make sure everything would go well and on time. But if Fitz was late on the schedule, that meant they would have to delay the other tasks and it made a whole mess. She knew, factually, that they still had enough time to do everything they needed, they still had a few months left, but that delay in the planning was enough for her to be convinced everything was falling apart.

She knew what was happening to her, and she didn't want it to. It happened to her a few times, it happened when Fitz wasn't available to Skype a few years back, it happened that one time she was sick and had to miss a test, and quite a few other times besides that.

So, as she did all those other times, she tried to repress it. She put her hands on her thighs and gripped them tightly so they would stay in place, and she closed her eyes, trying hard to replace all those negative feelings by positive feelings. It didn't work. She could feel tears pouring down her face.

"Jemma?" She heard Fitz's voice say in concern.

Oh no. She just realised, it was the first time Fitz saw that happening. He would probably think she was weird, or that there was something wrong with her. No, he wouldn’t think that. Her parents thought that, Fitz wouldn't mind, right?

"Jemma, you can move if you want to," he said.

She didn't know how he knew she needed to do it. She didn't know how he knew those were the words she needed to hear.

She kept her eyes shut close and started rubbing her face with her hands. She heard the sound of curtains being closed, and when she opened her eyes, the room was dark. It helped. How did Fitz know what she needed when even she didn't?

Fitz sat down on the floor a couple of meters away from Jemma, looking away from her.

Jemma was confused, but she was still overwhelmed by whatever was going on with her. She kept rubbing her face and she started whimpering as she sobbed.

This kept happening for a few more minutes, until she felt less overwhelmed and more exhausted.

"Fitz," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I think there's something wrong with me."

Fitz immediately moved to kneel in front of her.

"No, Jemma, there's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect," he said, with absolute certitude.

"But- but you saw that. People don't do that, why did I do that?" She asked.

"Not all people do that. Some people do that," Fitz paused a second, hesitant. "Autistic people do that," he added.

Why would Fitz mention autism? Fitz had mentioned that he was autistic, but Jemma wasn't sure what he had to do with the current situation.

"We don't have to talk about that now. Let's just uh, work on making you feel better," Fitz said as he saw Jemma wasn't responding.

Fitz sat on the bed next to Jemma, so she laid her head on his shoulder and put a hand on his thigh.

"So, um… I'm sorry, I should have- I fell behind our schedule and I should have done better," Fitz said, staring down at Jemma's hand. “But we still have time. We’re gonna be fine.”

"I know we’re gonna be fine, but I don't understand why you didn't ask for help if you couldn't do it," Jemma said.

Fitz pinched his lips with his fingers while he thought about his answer.

"I just… I should have been able to do it. And you're already doing basically everything, and you have to deal with your own college application, and you shouldn't have to help me all the time," Fitz explained.

"Fitz, you're my best friend, I don't mind helping you," she said, raising her head to look into Fitz's eyes.

She put her hand on Fitz's cheek so he would face her.

"It's okay that you can't do everything," she told him.

Fitz stared back into her eyes. She could see his guilt, his sadness, she wanted to take all of his pain away.

He blushed a little. When Jemma touched his cheeks, it made him feel things he wasn’t used to feeling. And her eyes, Fitz could just drown in them.

He wrapped an arm around Jemma's waist and pulled her against him. Jemma wrapped her arms around Fitz's shoulder and gently stroked his hair as he nuzzled his head in her neck. Fitz was so exhausted from not having slept in over the day and from all the emotions that he fell asleep in Jemma's arms.

Jemma chuckled when she noticed and gently laid him down on the bed. She put his blanket over him and his stuffed monkey next to him. She didn't want to leave him alone, so she picked an astrophysics book from one of his shelves and read it while Fitz napped. She was worried Fitz would spiral again if she left his side, and truly there was nowhere else she'd rather be.

After Fitz woke up from his nap, Jemma had dinner and Fitz ate a few snacks, he wasn't hungry after the sandwich, and they went to work on their new schedule. Fitz had insisted that Jemma shouldn't help him with his essay and that he could do it eventually, but she didn't leave him a choice and insisted on helping him. Fitz was grateful for that. In exchange, he would do some of Jemma's paperwork.

Jemma found it necessary to have a detailed schedule, so she put a lot of pressure on herself to do the task perfectly. If she didn't have Fitz to regularly remind her they were doing good, she would be having a complete meltdown. Fitz was terrible at making schedules, or following them, so that was the least he could do to help..

Around midnight, they were finally done with their schedule and task repartition, so both teens were slumped on Fitz's bed, leaning against the wall, their shoulders touching..

"I'm glad you only have to apply to college once," Fitz said, yawning.

Jemma chuckled and shook her head.

"You'll have to apply to a lot of other stuff, you know," she said.

"Don't make me think about that," he groaned.

Jemma rolled her eyes and laid her head on Fitz's shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'll help you. I'm terrible at paperwork, I find it very confusing, but I'm great at planning," she told him.

Fitz huffed and started fidgeting with the edge of his shirt. They laid there in comfortable silence for a while, both resting from the day they had.

"Hey Fitz?" Jemma eventually said, raising her head to look at Fitz, breaking the silence.

"Mhm?" Fitz replied, looking back at her.

Jemma hesitated for a few seconds before speaking again. Fitz had a sense he knew what this was going to be about.

"Earlier you said, when I was breaking down, that it was something that happened to autistic people. Could you maybe… elaborate on that?" She asked.

Fitz sat up and moved to sit in front of Jemma. He wasn't really sure where to start, it wasn't an easy topic to get into.

"So, um, I need to give you some context first," he started.

It was stressful for him to talk about, so he started twisting his fingers together.

"Before, uh, before I met you- when I was living with my dad- I would get very upset and I would start hitting walls and screaming and throwing stuff around. It still happens, but less. A lot of them, they started because of my dad. So I went to see a psychiatrist, she told me those were called autistic meltdowns, and that's when I was told I was autistic," Fitz explained.

Jemma knew a bit about Fitz's dad, but only the broad strokes, she knew he was abusive, that he would always insult Fitz, he had hinted a few times at physical abuse, but Fitz usually didn't want to talk about it so Jemma never pushed. Still, she knew enough to hate the man. Fitz didn't like talking about it because the memories hurt and only made him feel bad.

"So um when I saw what was happening to you, I thought you seemed to be uh feeling like I did. So I said that. But there's not just that. I read some stuff about autism, and I already thought that you might, uh, be autistic too, but I didn't know how to bring it up," Fitz added.

Jemma stayed quiet while she processed what Fitz was saying. She didn't know much about autism herself, only what she had learned from Fitz. However, that wasn't much. She knew Fitz stimmed, but Jemma didn't do that, did she? As she thought about it, she realised she was currently rubbing her neck with her hands, and realised it was something she did a lot. Maybe she did stim.

"Okay. If, maybe, I was indeed autistic, what would it mean?" She asked.

Fitz shrugged.

"I don't know. It doesn't really mean anything. It's a word that describes how you are. It can help you understand uh how you work," he said.

Jemma nodded for a few seconds as she thought about her next sentence.

"How…Do I know if I'm autistic?" She asked.

"Well there are official criterias. Then you can read stuff about autism autistic people wrote. There are videos about it and stuff."

This seemed like a big task. Jemma struggled a lot to understand herself and how she felt, so this kind of introspection would be draining and hard. And it was scary. What if Fitz was wrong and she wasn't autistic but just messed up? What if she was actually autistic, how would her parents react? What if being autistic ruined her life plans? That was a lot to think about.

Fitz noticed her distress and moved to sit next to her and wrap his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey. It's okay. You're not alone," he told her.

Jemma sighed and grabbed Fitz's hand.

"Thank you Fitz," she said, resting her head on his shoulder.

After a while, Jemma got up to pull her mattress from under Fitz's bed and they went to sleep.

As usual, Fitz took longer than Jemma to fall asleep. As he fell asleep, he stared at her. Her presence was always comforting, ever since they first became friends. He wasn't sure what he did to deserve that. In fact, he knew he didn't deserve that. He played the conversation they just had in his mind, picking at each of his words and overthinking how they could have been interpreted. They had been friends for a while, but they met as kids, and back then they wouldn't get into heavy topics, so this kind of discussion was still new for the both of them. He hoped he hadn't made a mistake by bringing this one up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Comments always brighten my day


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